Last week I posted on the impact of my affair on my wife, as I saw it. So today I thought I’d post on the impact on me. I know I brought this upon myself completely – but I still thought it would be helpful to write this – in the hope, maybe, that someone considering infidelity will stumble across this and it might make them think again.
So the impacts on me are as follows :
- worries for the future. I am very worried about what will happen to us in the future. Specifically, I am terrified that I’ll lose my wife. She is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I’d hate to not have her in my life. She has said that she’d still be my friend, if we were to split – but it wouldn’t be the same, I wouldn’t have her to hug and hold and to be there with a loving smile just when I needed it.
- anger about what I’ve done. I hate what I’ve done. I hate seeing my wife hurt and sad. I hate how I’ve caused her to doubt the very foundation of our marriage. I am so angry with myself for causing all of this.
- confusion. I’m confused too – over what I’ve done and how I could jeopardise my marriage.
- Doubting who I really am. If you’d asked me, some time ago, whether I’d ever have an affair, I’d say no of course not. But clearly I have so I have started to do counseling to understand who I really am. I guess most people don’t dig into their upbringing much but as I’ve dug, I’ve uncovered things that have not really been that pleasant.
- ruining my ability to concentrate. I find it almost impossible to concentrate on things at the moment – especially on work. I keep thinking about everything – about what I’ve done, about the things I’m worried about. So far it doesn’t seem to have caused any issue with my client – but I know I am not giving 100% to them when I am working.
- Knowing I’ve let my kids down. I know the last few months haven’t been great for our kids. There has been a tension around our house and this has affected them quite a bit. I feel that i’ve completely let them down. Kids deserve a dad that’s there to look after them and their mum – to protect them and be thinking about their safety. Not a dad that does what I did.
- money. I agonised as to whether to write this – as I don’t want anyone thinking that money has been top of my mind recently – it hasn’t. But in the spirit of being complete in my post, I should point out that the last few months have been costly. Days off, afternoons off for counseling, the cost of counseling itself, etc etc. The cost is considerable. I say this in the hope that someone that might not be swayed by the emotional arguments might be swayed by the hard cash argument.
Like I said above, I brought this all on myself – but I thought it worth writing a bit about how I’ve felt these last few months.